


Birthday From Hell

by xX_Rabble_Rouser_Xx



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Birthdays, Humor, Pranks, with friends like this who needs enemies??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:33:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xX_Rabble_Rouser_Xx/pseuds/xX_Rabble_Rouser_Xx
Summary: It's not that Duo Maxwell is INCAPABLE of celebrating a birthday like a reasonable person, he just REFUSES to celebrate Heero Yuy’s birthday normally.





	Birthday From Hell

Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell are best friends.

They pretty much have been ever since they first met.  When Duo shot Heero.  (It’s a long story.)

No one outside of their close-knit group of friends can understand why the two men, polar opposites, have remained close, and on April 5, even those within their circle question it.  Every year, without fail, Duo Maxwell commemorates Heero Yuy’s chosen birthday with a prank.

Past occasions have been highlighted with dribble glass coffee mugs, googly eyes on all the contents of Heero’s office mini fridge, and an air horn taped under his office chair.

Two years ago, Heero changed the locks on his office door.  Duo had a year to decide which was greater, his pride in his lock picking skills or his respect for his friend.  In the end, he found a middle ground in which he did not break into Heero’s office and instead mailed him a screaming birthday card filled with glitter.

Now, April 4, the day before another birthday, Heero admits to himself that Duo has him on edge.

What will he do this year?

Heero knows Duo can get into the office again if he wants to.  Even if Duo stays away himself, he can get to Heero.  He can mail pranks.  He might Rickroll him via email again.  One year, he sent a courier with birthday cupcakes frosted with mayonnaise.

Why?

Heero, distracted from his work, sits back in his chair carefully, in case Duo has gotten in and loosened a few screws.  Heero has always prided himself on being calm, composed, focused.  But every April 5, he is on edge, experiencing various levels of annoyance and distraction, waiting for Duo to strike.

Why him?

Duo doesn’t prank anyone else.  Everyone else gets nice, _normal_ birthday presents.  He drags Quatre away from his endless work at the Winner Foundation for video games and takeout binges.  He has a knack for acquiring rare teas and coffees for Trowa’s birthday.  He sends Wufei the year’s bestselling book with a note tucked inside that reads simply “Happy birthday, nerd.”  He sends Relena a bouquet of flowers, and a smaller bouquet made of dog treats for her Pomeranian.

He’s not _incapable_ of commemorating a birthday like a reasonable person; he just refuses to celebrate Heero’s normally.  It’s the only reason Heero even notes his birthday.

Unable to focus on his work, Heero securely locks his office and tries to relax on the train ride home.  He reminds himself that he still has hours to go before it’s his birthday and the game is on, but the dread is already setting in.

What will Duo do this time?

 

* * *

Duo Maxwell has had a year to plot. He’s not malicious; he never pulls any pranks that would cause harm beyond the eye twitch Heero incidentally develops every April 5.  But in his desire to outdo himself every year, his pranks have grown to multi-stage productions that require weeks of preparation.

He appears as casual as he always does as he wends his way through the supermarket, lazily leaning on the cart.  But his brain is going a mile a minute.  He can barely keep the smirk off his face as he reviews his plan.  It’s priceless.  He doesn’t know how he will top himself next year.  But it’s too good a prank to pass up.

Why does he do it?

He has asked himself that plenty of times.  When he can stop laughing long enough, he admits to himself that it’s because he wants to see Heero’s perfect composure crack.  Duo has never once seen Heero off his game.  Even in the chaos of battle, it seems to steel Heero’s nerves even more.  He’s flawless and levelheaded, and Duo is determined to knock him off kilter.  He _will_ prove that Heero is just as human and emotional as the rest of them.

Could he do it in another way?  A less annoying way, sure, but also much less effective.  Duo gives him normal Christmas presents, and receives a brief, polite thank-you note in return, so clearly treating him _nicely_ doesn’t achieve his goal of cracking his emotional shell.

When he finally reaches what he is looking for at the grocery store, he smiles like greeting an old friend.  He can’t suppress a chuckle.  This is going to be _great_.

“Duo!  Hi!”

Oh no.

Oh no no no.

If there’s anyone who can’t keep a secret, it’s Quatre.

Duo schools his face into… well, as close to innocence as he can manage.  He turns and waves at his _second_ -oldest friend.  He subtly tries to block the view of his cart and instead directs attention to Quatre’s.

“Frozen pizzas?  Cereal?  Still can’t cook, huh?”

Quatre shrugs and laughs.  “No, not really.  What do you have?  Maybe I’ll get some ideas!”

Duo mentally swears as Quatre steps around him and looks in his cart.

“I didn’t even know Kool-Aid came in 5 pound containers!” Quatre exclaims.

“Yeah, me either!  My lucky day, right?” Duo shrugs.

Quatre pins Duo with a knowing glance.  “Yeah, and Heero’s birthday is tomorrow, isn’t it?”

He doesn’t really need to ask.  He knows everyone’s birthdays by heart and celebrates them _normally_.  Last year he gave Heero, among other things, a box of Tension Tamer tea, which Duo accurately nicknamed Damage Control Tea.

Duo sighs.  “Quatre…  Buddy… I said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ll never tell a lie.  So don’t go asking questions you might not like the answer to.”

Quatre holds up his hands in surrender.  “I’m not getting involved in this.”

“Wise choice.”

After promising to come over sometime and give Quatre a cooking lesson, Duo leaves his friend and heads home with his weekly haul of groceries… and 5 pounds of blue raspberry Kool-Aid.  Quatre watches him leave, shaking his head.

What does Duo have planned?

It’s true, it’s safer not to get involved.

 

* * *

Heero jolts awake.  He hears the normal sound of his alarm, but somehow he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed on April 5 every year.  He lies still for a few moments, reminding himself that his home is safe and his office is safe.  He just has to be wary of deliveries and of Duo himself.  Simple enough, right?

He showers and grabs breakfast from a coffee shop on his way to the train station.  He watches the barista closely, barely even blinking, until he realizes how ridiculous it would be for Duo to bribe coffee shop staff to tamper with his breakfast.  Once he settles into a seat and the coffee starts to warm him, he becomes less defensive in his half-awake state.

He’s not sure who he is more irritated with: Duo for pranking him so efficiently every year, or himself for letting Duo get to him.  He has always tried to be upright and honorable.  The bigger person.  He never retaliates, never even yells, and he suppresses the instinctive jump when a prank startles him.  He refuses to give Duo the satisfaction of a reaction.

He used to send thank-you notes, heavily weighted with sarcasm:

_Thank you for your thoughtful birthday gift of the brownies with ground pork in them.  It was really an ingenious idea.  I look forward to the release of your cookbook._

But Heero hasn’t even acknowledged a birthday prank in years.  He was hoping the lack of reaction would take the fun out of it for Duo, but now he realizes that it may have inspired him to heights that can no longer be ignored.

For Heero, structure is essential to his adult life, after an erratic childhood and adolescence.  He can rely on the stable nature of his 9-to-5 job at the Veterans’ Commission, his secure Commission-provided apartment, and that the 24-hour deli on the corner will always have a Reuben sandwich and vanilla Zingers when insomnia strikes.

It’s the irregularity of Duo’s pranks that perturbs him.  Heero doesn’t like not knowing what to expect.  Loud and abrupt noise?  Disgusting food?  A mess that takes hours to clean up?  He’d rather take on mobile dolls again.  At least battle had some level of predictability.

Heero arrives at his office and snaps out of autopilot when his secretary greets him.

“Happy birthday,” Tina chirps.  She hands him a paperboard box of cookies from a local bakery.  “I got them myself and they have never left my sight.”

Heero nods approvingly.  He had initially hired her for her intelligence, and it didn’t take her long to learn not to get involved in Duo’s annual machinations and how to calm Heero’s nerves without actually letting on that she can tell he’s on edge.

Heero pours himself a cup of Tension Tamer tea.  Another coffee would just increase his jitters.  Besides, the coffee station is easily accessible to… anyone.

He unlocks his door and thoroughly searches his office, just in case.  Nothing on or under his chair.  Nothing removed from or plastic-wrapped to his desk.  Nothing tampered with in the mini fridge.

He scrutinizes his email.  He checks every sender, every link, and every attachment.  No Rickrolls, no screamers, no emails from Duo at all.

He rubs his dark blue eyes and sighs.  Enough of this nonsense.  He gets to work.

His phone suddenly vibrates, his desk amplifying the sound and making him jump.

So it begins.

He picks up his phone and sees a text message from Relena wishing him a happy birthday.

False alarm.  He replies cordially, then silences his phone completely.

He checks the clock.  Nearly 11AM.  When will Duo strike?

He runs through his reports on autopilot.  It’s similar to when he was in battle.  He could pilot his Wing Gundam without a thought, while devoting all his mental power to strategizing against his opponents.

Is that what this is?  A battle?  Is Duo his enemy?

Are these thoughts echoes of the Zero System?

He runs his hands through his dark brown hair.  This is ridiculous.

He eats his lunch (brought from home, just to be safe), and checks his phone again.  Texts from Quatre and Sally Po wishing him a happy birthday, and one from Wufei wishing him a “hippopotamus” birthday.  Heero decides that when Wufei’s birthday rolls around, his gift will be to show him how to turn off autocorrect.

He checks his email again.

maxwell.d@vetcomm.gov

Aha!

Wait.

He didn’t even use a different email address?

Heero knows Duo is smarter than that.  He has sent screaming emails from various addresses and even masked his ISP to catch Heero off guard.  He would never use his real work email for a prank.

Would he?

Maybe he would, because Heero would think he wouldn’t, and then really be caught off guard.

But Duo knows Heero is smarter than that too.

Heero braces himself and clicks on the email.

No sound effects, no links, no attachments.  Just a reminder of the fundraiser for next month’s Children’s Day, the proceeds of which will be going into the scholarship fund for the children of those killed in the wars.  Relena, adopted daughter of assassinated Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, will be delivering a speech, and Mariemaia Kushrenada, daughter of the late Treize Kushrenada, will be making her first official appearance since her abortive coup as a child.  Duo wraps up his email with a suggestion that the former Gundam pilots be on call in case the ginger brat tries anything again.

Heero sighs.

Another false alarm.

When will Duo strike?

 _How_ will Duo strike?

Heero checks the clock.  2:30PM.  He just has to finish his work day without any aggravating interruptions, survive the train ride home, and he will be safe.

_You can do this.  You can avoid him entirely.  That will show him!_

With a smirk and a new outlook on this day, Heero gets back to work.

 

* * *

11234.

Duo rolls his blue eyes so hard it nearly hurts.  1234 would have been too easy for someone to guess to gain access to Heero’s apartment building.  _11234 is_ far _more secure,_ he thinks sarcastically.  He didn’t even have to hack the number pad.  He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  It’s more fun when it’s difficult.

He doesn’t waste time getting to the elevator and punching the button for Heero’s floor with his left hand.  His right hand is occupied with a plastic grocery bag of various items.  He bounces on the balls of his feet as the elevator ascends, looking upwards as if he can see his destination and his plan unfolding.

Plan?

Plot.

It’s definitely more of a plot at this point.

“Oh, man, this is gonna be great,” he says to himself as he hurries down the hallway.  He has a limited amount of time and has never even been inside Heero’s apartment, so he has no idea what difficulties he may run into.  Knowing how secretive Heero can be sometimes, Duo wouldn’t put it past him to booby trap the place when he leaves.

It turns out Duo has nothing to worry about, and he is in and out quicker than it took to break Heero out of the hospital.  After Duo shot him.  (It’s a long story.)

He jogs down the hallway and back to the elevator, punching the call button repeatedly even though he knows it won’t make the car appear any quicker.  The door opens, and the lone occupant looks up.

Trowa.

Dammit.  Dammit dammit dammit.

After a split-second of surprise, Duo puts on his cheerful face.  He enters the elevator and stands next to his friend.

“Trowa!  Buddy!  I didn’t know you were in town!”

Trowa, though still working with the circus, keeps an apartment near friends.  Duo just hadn’t known _how_ near.

“I’m taking some time off before we tour the colonies for a couple months,” Trowa replies.  “I thought it might be nice to actually wish Heero a happy birthday in person for once.”

Duo looks at Trowa out of the corner of his eye and notices Trowa doing the same.  That was a deliberate reference.

“Yeah, it’s his birthday today,” Duo says carefully.

“What’s in the bag, Duo?”

Duo never had much in the way of family life, but if he had to imagine a mother scolding him, it would be in _exactly_ that tone.

“Nothing.”

“Duo.”

“Trowa, don’t make me lie to you.”

Trowa just shakes his head.  They exit the building, and just before they part ways, Trowa pins Duo with a harsh green glare.

“You deserve whatever you get,” he says sharply.

Duo just laughs.  Oh, he can only hope.

 

* * *

Heero has done it.  He has successfully avoided any of Duo’s potential pranks at the office.  He has screened his calls, had Tina open all of his mail for him, and locked the door to the entire men’s room when he needed to use the facilities.  He really doesn’t think Duo would ambush him in the restroom, but he can’t be too careful.

He glances up and down the hallway when he exits his office, and then scans the lobby before stepping out of the elevator.  No Duo in sight.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

He hurries to the train station two blocks away as fast as he can without looking ridiculous.  He waits with his back against a pillar, surreptitiously looking around the platform for any shadowy figure with a distinctive brown braid.  There is no one other than the usual gaggle of schoolgirls, parents and children, and the occasional businessman talking far too loudly on his phone.

Heero finds a seat in a nearly-empty car and mindfully relaxes his body, part by part, for the twenty-five minute ride home.

No Duo pranks at the office.  No Duo pranks on the train.  No Duo pranks in the deli when Heero picks up dinner.

Now he’s getting annoyed.  He just wants to get it over with already.

Could Duo have forgotten?

No, Duo never forgets.

Maybe this is the prank, to play head games, to let it hang over Heero’s head all day.

It won’t work, Heero decides.  He resolves to relax in his secure apartment, enjoy his dinner and some TV, and sleep like nothing has ever gone wrong in his life.

But he can’t.

He keeps checking his phone for texts and emails.  There’s nothing out of the ordinary in his mail either, unless you want to count a flier from the local home goods store that Heero has never so much as breathed near.  He briefly considers a new bedding set as a birthday present for himself, maybe even bamboo sheets.

Duo.

_When._

Heero keeps glancing at the clock on the wall, the time on his phone, the clock in the corner of the TV screen when he tries to watch the nightly news.  11PM.  11:30.  11:45.

He fidgets with a loose thread on the arm of his easy chair.  He tries again to mindfully relax his body, starting at his toes and working upwards.  When he reaches the scowl on his face, it seems stuck.

_Just do it already!_

11:50.

He clicks off the TV and jumps out of the easy chair.  He paces.  It doesn’t take much time to traverse the length of his studio apartment, from the door and the peephole (no movement in the hallway), to the window (the sight of a friendly neighbor and his friendlier greyhound briefly distracts him).

11:55PM.

Five minutes.  Duo has five minutes left to prank Heero for his birthday.

Heero sits on the edge of his bed, phone in hand, waiting for a text or email.  Duo has to do _something!_   He can’t _not_ do something.

12:00AM.

April 6.

Heero lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding.

It’s over.

He’s safe.

And he feels utterly ridiculous for how tense he has been all day.

He smirks.  Whatever it was, Duo’s prank didn’t come together as planned.

Heero sets his alarm for work the next day, turns off his light, and sleeps soundly.

 

* * *

Heero first thoughts upon waking are again of Duo’s pranks.  He’s now more confused than anything else.  Has Duo gotten tired of Heero’s lack of reaction?  Has he actually matured beyond the need for juvenile practical jokes?  Heero has never known Duo to give up on anything, so this sudden uneventful birthday is perplexing.

He checks his phone for any late-arriving prank emails and smiles at the date header on his home screen.

April 6.

The day _after_ his birthday.

No worries for another year, and possibly no worries ever again.  Oh, how he hopes!

He shuffles to the bathroom and into the shower.  He turns the knob and closes his eyes to tolerate a few seconds of cold water.  He relaxes as it warms and spreads over his entire body.  With a contented sigh, he finally opens his eyes.

Blue.

The water droplets on the wall are blue.

The water coming out of the showerhead is blue.

 _He_ is blue.

Suddenly Heero sees red.

 

* * *

Duo Maxwell strides into the Veterans’ Commission building just as casually as he always does, waves at the security guards in the lobby, and punches the call button for the elevator.  Once inside, he pushes the button not for the seventh floor where his office is, but the fifth.  He can barely keep his grin to normal proportions as he pokes his head into Heero’s office suite.

“Hey, Tina!  Is Heero in yet?”

Tina looks up from her work.  “No, he just called, actually.  He’s got some plumbing issue in his apartment and won’t be in today.”

Duo is proud of how well he can feign surprise.  “Wow, that sucks.  I just wanted to pop in and wish him a happy birthday.  Totally slipped my mind yesterday!”

So _sometimes_ he lies.

Tina shakes her pen at him menacingly but can’t help chuckling.  “You leave him alone!  I nearly had to shoot him with horse tranquilizers to get him to stay calm yesterday!”

“You have horse tranquilizers?  Now there’s an idea for a prank!”

“Get out!”

Duo holds it together long enough to make it into the elevator alone before breaking into uncontrollable laughter.  He clutches his stomach, doubles over, and slides to the floor, laughing until it literally hurts.  Tears run down his face and his laughter sounds more like sobs.

Oh, how he wishes he could have seen Heero’s face!  Duo can’t even imagine what his expression would be.  He realizes that was the one downfall of his plan: that he wasn’t there to see his reaction.  But knowing that he was on edge all day anticipating a prank at work is priceless in itself.  Now Duo can be certain that his pranks haven’t gone unnoticed, that he _can_ get inside Heero’s head.

Duo makes his way to his own office and sees to his duties.  He checks his phone occasionally but there isn’t a single word from Heero.  Every time he thinks about his best friend unexpectedly covered in blue raspberry Kool-Aid, he loses it.  He is in the middle of yet another laughing fit when someone knocks on his door.

“Come in,” he manages to croak as he wipes tears from his eyes.

Relena Darlian enters, her face and manner both ladylike and stern simultaneously.  Not much has changed from the first time he met her.  When he shot Heero.  (Long story.)

“Relena!  What can I do for the Queen of Everything?”

Relena holds out her hand expectantly.  “Dinner to catch up last week, huh?”

Duo fishes a key out of his pocket and pointedly scrutinizes it.  “And we had a lovely time, didn’t we?”

“How did you know I have a key to Heero’s apartment?”

“The real question here is, _why_ do you have a key to Heero’s apartment?” he asks, pointing the key at her suspiciously.

Relena blushes.  “In case of emergencies.”

Duo clutches his chest and feigns outrage.  “I’m his best friend!  Why wouldn’t he trust _me_ with a key?”

“Probably because of situations just like this!” Relena snaps, though trying not to laugh.  She snatches the key from Duo’s hand and stalks out.

“You’ve always said blue is his color,” Duo calls after her.

He receives no contact from Heero all day, but he is satisfied.

 

* * *

Heero has had a good 24 hours to calm down.  In that 24 hours he has replaced the Kool-Aid-filled showerhead with a new one, finally visiting that home goods store and finding it far too pretentious for his tastes, has taken multiple hot showers to remove the blue tint from his skin, and has resigned himself to a slight shade of blue under his eyes that he hopes looks more like exhaustion than Blue 1 food dye.  He does _not_ want to explain this at work.

Now he is back at work and ready to put it all behind him.  He reassures Tina that the plumbing issue is resolved and all is well at his apartment.  She is glad to see him back at ease, and she returns to her work as normal.

Heero closes his office door behind him and fixes himself a cup of tea with _two_ Tension Tamer teabags.

He opens his work email to find a message from Duo.  He bristles, but reminds himself that his birthday is over and that Duo would not use his work email for pranks anyway.

It’s a message about the L1 colony cluster, where Heero is from, and their special efforts to rehabilitate former soldiers, both in their physical and mental health.

Heero relaxes.  This is okay.

Duo has included a link to their website with more information.

Heero clicks without checking.

It redirects to YouTube.

_Yo listen up here’s a story_

_About a little guy that lives in a blue world_

_And all day and all night and everything he sees_

_Is just blue like him inside and outside_

_Blue his house with a blue little window_

_And a blue corvette_

_And everything is blue for him and himself_

_And everybody around_

_‘Cause he ain’t got nobody to listen to_

_I’m blue da ba dee da ba die..._

This is, in fact, _not_ okay.

This is a bridge too far.

He gently, carefully, sets his mug of tea down before he can crush the ceramic with his bare hands.

He lets it play for a few seconds, just to punish himself for not checking the link first.  He finally closes the window and sits in silence.

Thinking.

Planning.

_Plotting._

He calmly, carefully hacks into Duo’s personnel file.

November 2.

 _Of course_ the self-proclaimed God of Death would choose All Souls’ Day, the Day of the Dead, as his birthday.

Heero smiles deviously.

If it’s a war Duo wants, it’s a war Duo will get.

On November 2, all hell will break loose.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68ugkg9RePc
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, I'm a slut for feedback.


End file.
